Saturday, May 15, 2010

When Did You Know?

I got this idea from BabyGirl on

The question is when did you know you were kinky and into being a sub or a dom?

Did you know:
--as long as you can remember?
--late teens
--later in life.

A good number of readers in her poll said not until adulthood. I knew I was a dom at some point after puberty. It was a fantasy from back then and it was always a big part of my masturbation fantasies. In the pre-Internet days when there was so little available information on the subject, I felt I must be weird and had no idea so many other people had the same feelings. And I had no idea there were women out there who wanted to be domed. I envy the youngsters who can get on the Internet when they find out they have these feelings and know they're not alone.

Hope you will share when you knew.



  1. Hmmm~
    Looking back to age 10 or earlier.. my fantasy life was full of damsel in distress, rescue, forced to do "something" to be rescued.

    It was not til I was in my mid teens that I found a copy of" The Story of O" in the bathroom of some male friends.. read a few pages and was .. appalled, thrilled, revolted and totally hooked.

    I think I spent a LOT of time in that bathroom!

    I didn't really UNDERSTAND my submissive self til MUCH later... call it two marriages and two children later.
    But then you didn't ask for more than this.

  2. I was in my late 30's. In fact, being submissive is quite the reversal from my previous relationships. I met someone dating who introduced me to dom/sub sadism/masochism and I've never looked back, and never been happier.


  3. I was in my 30's when I became extremely open about my sexuality. It is also when I explored my Bi-side (which I love), being in threesomes and buying toys....I'm excited at where my sexuality may take me.

  4. I remember lots of 'fantasies' (not quite sexual ones just yet) as a young child that had to do with the damsel in distress type of situations, and feeling drawn to those sorts of things. Sort of like what nancy mentioned above.

    Later, there were moments of having dominance/submission related sexual fantasies, but I didn't really understand them and sort of pushed them aside. There were even a few sexual experiences here and there that bordered along the edges of realizing those fantasies, but they were few and far between (as I still pushed them aside, and only rarely brought them to the surface, even with my husband)

    It wasn't until a little over a year ago, that I began to really explore what all of it meant.

  5. I didn't recognize my submissive nature until I was in my early 30's, but looking back (now that I know what I know) I can recognize that I had cravings and desires for submission as early back in my childhood as I can remember. I grew up in a home where I was taught that men were stupid and that it was up to the woman to take charge or everything would fall apart... so needless to say that attitude suppressed any submissive feelings I had, especially in my teen years. As far as I knew, it was wrong to feel that way or want those things.

  6. I knew there was something about spanking that drew me like a moth to a flame by the time I was 4 or 5. There were a few shows on TV that would show or say something about spanking back then. By six I could spot the shows where Ricky spanked Lucy after seeing about 5 seconds. By puberty the spanking fantasies started and they have never stopped.


  7. From the time I was a preschooler, I knew I wanted to "belong to" somebody. My earliest sexual feelings developed into fantasies of submission, either forced or "offered." Then I learned not to tell my lovers, because they'd be intimidated or disgusted. When I was 38 I met a real Master. He told me later he decided I would be his from the moment he saw me. I waited for him for about 34 years!

  8. My submissive side has always been there, since I was never one to "take charge" in a relationship. It was only after my initial spanking at 30 when I realized I loved being under the control of a woman.

  9. I had fantasies of submission from early on, but I didn't have a name for them until about 4 years ago (I'm in my 50s). I found them confusing rather than shameful, and it was wonderful when everything finally made sense. I'm sure I'd still be bewildered (and unsatisfied) were it not for the advent of the Internet.

  10. I love this post, I wrote something such as this on January 5th 2010, called "It was the cards", that's when I knew! Hopefully you'll read it, let me know what you think?

    Also thanks for stopping by, I'm glad I know your here!


  11. I was very young when I began having fantasies about control - probably around the age of 10. I began self-identifying as a submissive in my mid-teens, thanks to internet exploration. It wasn't until my early 20s that I made any attempt to satisfy any of my fantasies or desires, though. That was entirely due to my sexual inexperience on the whole and my shyness, though, and had nothing at all to do with shame for my feelings. It may seem strange to some people, but my submissive side is always something that I've accepted entirely and haven't really struggled with.

  12. I have always been a sexual person for as far as i can remember. The first time i came across the lifestyle was after readin a book and i was about 18 then. I was very interested and started gettin to know more about it. Now i know i am a submissive. i love to give up my control!

  13. Hello there, FD!

    First of all, thanks for the nod! :)

    On my poll, I voted for adolescence/puberty (although the more I think about it, the more I believe it was earlier than that)...I knew something was different about me. Nobody else in the room seemed to be affected by scenes of people being tied up and under someone's control...but I couldn't get enough! :)

    Unfortunately, I kept it to myself until my 20s! :)

    Take care,
    Baby Girl :)

  14. I knew when I was about five that I was sub (of course I didn't have the intellect to call it that). Just knew that I wanted to be tied up and hit when playing games and that I never wanted to be the one in charge. Kept it well under control until I was old enough to have the ability not to become a doormat in the hands of the wrong person.

  15. Personally I am just now discovering my sub side over the last year or so (I am 21). I have always been more of a follower than a leader though, so maybe that is the earliest indication? I am still coming to terms with it and how far it goes. You could say I still don't "know" for certain but it will be an interesting journey to figuring it out.


  16. I have had fantasies I guess from about 10, but I liked certain games that involved being tied up or hands behind back etc. Found out about BDSM when I was 14. I still haven't experienced it so still figuring it out as I go along!

  17. ..knew from being a child, although obviously didnt understand it then!
    My earliest memory of my 'inclinations' (lol) is when i was about 7, at 'wet' playtime (a rather appropriate term for staying in class at playtime when it was raining!!), being caught bent over the table in the classroom with my skirt over my head and telling the boy to 'spank harder'!
    I remember the teacher making a really big deal of it and calling my mother in 'for a chat'(!)...
    For years i dismissed my needs and tried to ignore them, thinking i was weird and depraved,, i KNOW i am!

    Hooray for depravity i say!!
    ~L. x

  18. when i was young they called me the wild one. i did some crazy stuff but not so much in a sexual way.

    whenever i saw a someone tied up on tv or in a movie i wanted to be them. i always wanted to tied to a big wheel. i knew it would never happen to me with my boring sex husband. so it was just a dream of mine.

    then came along a man that changed my sexual being & ways at age 50, my Master. all of the dreams i had for so long came to life. i was a submissive slut and He knew it.

    i only wish i met him at age 21.


  19. I remember having vague fantasies involving men taking me away and/or pressing down on me. I don't know how little I was, very little, 3 or 4? I would pile heavy stuff on top of me and squeeze my legs together, thinking about it. And no, I was never molested or anything like that, sexually very innocent, all the way to puberty.

    However, as I look back now at my older childhood, many of my favorite movies/books had themes of varying male control/domination over women. The more overt, the more I was drawn to it. I was uneasy with my reaction, since, young as I was, most of the time it was still clear to me that these were "bad guys" or the women were supposed to hate it.

    Then in my early teens I ran across the Gor series and I was seriously hooked on that series. I secretly fantasized about being a slave; the books made being a slave sound *wonderful*. I wanted that so badly. But again, I knew I wasn't supposed to want that; my friends who read the series expressed outrage over it so I echoed their outrage and was highly embarrassed inside that I didn't feel the same way they did.

    I asked my first lover when I was 14 (we ended up getting married later when I turned 18) to tie my wrists and to chase me and "ravish me", as I put it. He didn't understand why but obliged me anyway and I was unbelievably turned on. But, although he enjoyed the fact I was turned on, it didn't turn him on and I kept having to ask him. Which, again, made me feel like I was running him, and not the other way around the way I wanted.

    I had a second, older boyfriend before we married and he knew enough to ask me what I liked sexually. Haltingly, I told him about the Gor books and how much I liked that world. He was very interested and asked me to tell him some of the things from the book. So at first I talked about the warriors and he seemed to like that, then I told him what the women did in the books that turned me on. He asked me to show him some of the poses. So, good girl that I wanted to be, I knelt in front of him in an abject pose.

    And he laughed at me. Hard, he threw his head back and laughed and laughed.

    I jumped up, scarlet-faced, laughed too, and said I had just been fooling around; I hadn't really meant I liked that stuff, I knew it was stupid, etc..

    All lies.

    But that was the end of me wanting to tell anyone about my real desires. In a fit of self-loathing, I threw out all the Gor books (I hear today they are hard to find) and I spent the next several years hating my own sexual desires and trying to ignore them. My second bf and I broke up, I ended up marrying my first bf, I never brought up "all that stuff" anymore and I tried really hard to forget all about it.

    Fast forward to my late 30's. I had still never had an orgasm, didn't know how, though I had tried, both with my husband and by myself. I actually used to fake orgasms with my husband. I know that's bad but...again, I just felt so inadequate. I was extremely sexual, very willing to make love, touched myself whenever I could, etc., but I was continually frustrated since I was never able to come.

    No wonder since I had cut off the core of what made me excited. *sighs*

    Anyway, one day I heard some women talking about the Beauty series, (cont)

  20. (cont, Pt 2) how awful it was, how could Anne Rice have written such a things. I knew from the topic that I would love reading the books so I went down to the bookstore that day and bought the whole series. Like the Gor series, I was again very turned on yet very ashamed at the same time. But this time I learned to masturbate successfully to orgasm for the first time in my life and it was by thinking about me as Beauty.

    I continued to hide all this from my husband, who had made it clear many years before that he was completely uninterested in dominating me and I was resigned to just having my personal fantasies and masturbating.

    But our marriage fell apart (not because of this but other issues) and I found myself falling in love with a wonderful man. And just like my second bf so many years before, he wanted to know fairly early in our relationship what turned me on. I told him nothing special, just basic sex. He didn't believe me, kept after me and little by little I opened up to him a bit. I told him I liked the "ravish" fantasy, a man pursuing me. He was much more knowledgeable about sex than I was and privately quickly tagged me as a submissive woman. Now, I didn't know this at the time but he was absolutely thrilled. He had had similar desires all his life about being dominant but the women he'd been with had all either been interested in role playing games or completely uninterested in that kind of thing altogether (remember, this is years before the internet exploded the way it has with all things D/s BDSM, etc.)

    He started to subtly test me to see how deep my subness went. He began to order me around a little and I responded well instinctively. Then he began to send me little fantasy stories about the two of us, him doing certain things to me I'd thought about but never told anyone. Suddenly it dawned on me that he had figured me out, at least to a certain extent and I was so horrified, I actually ran away from my computer, lol! I felt he was looking into my soul, into all the dark, shameful things I'd never told anyone.

    When he asked about my reaction, I didn't want to tell him, I was highly embarrassed. He kept after me and I finally admitted I found such ideas very exciting but I was terribly ashamed and I didn't want him to think badly of me plus I was frankly scared he'd leave me over it. We had been calling and seeing each other in person by this point, so he called me on the phone right away and he soothed me, explaining that I am a submissive woman sexually and romantically, that it was okay, more than okay, that he was my natural counterpoint; a dominant man, that he had been looking for someone like me for a long time and only *then* for the first time did I understand there was a word, a term for someone like me. And that not everyone thought it was horrible.

    Things rapidly accelerated after that, we both got to do many things we'd only fantasized about and after blogs began to pop up about this kind of thing, we found even more things to try based upon what we'd read and well...we're married now and very happy.

    I am still torn about my own sexual/relationship wiring, though. I go back and forth on it a lot, although I cannot change it. If I could have chosen to not be this way, I would have, yes, even though I've had a lot of pleasure. I would rather it not be so humiliating. I think it's because I've been taught all my life it's wrong to want the things I want; by society, by other women, by my ex-husband and the old bf who laughed at me.

    My husband continues to be my Dom, to praise me for who I am and he knows how to push all my buttons. I am very lucky. :)

    Sorry for the blog-comment length.


  21. The name and realization of it came to me nearly 20 years ago. And like many things, when you finally have the context, you view things differently, particularly in retrospect.

    Once I had the name and perspective I looked back on my relationships, life choices, and career. It became clear that I had always had that dominant influence in my life. Looking forward it very much influenced the choices I made and make.

    Interesting topic, thanks.

  22. For me later in life but I always knew something was missing I was unhappy but what a wondrful place when I had that Ah HA moment.

  23. As I look at things now, I realize in every relationship I have had I have wanted to express domination, but I have never been with a woman who was open about sex. My lizard changed that. We were married two and a half years ago, and I began exploring the D/s dynamic about ten months ago, and the more I get involved, the more I realize I like it. So you could say last year when I was 49!

  24. I'm still frequently uncertain. :)

  25. looking back now I would have to say I was a dom when I was in high school. there was this one girl that liked me and would do anything I told her to like for example I told her not to wear a bra to school one day and if she did I would cut it off of her well she wore a bra to school I was not pleased I did just what I told her I would do and I cut it off of her and into many peices so she was not able to wear it again. I enjoyed that power. as I got older and into more serious relationships I hide that side of me due to the vanilla woman that I was with then I met vie and the beast was once again unleashed.

  26. Well I knew I was not submissive when an ex of mine when I was 22 was a very dominant guy, always putting me in positions where I was below him & wouldn't even let me be over him for things I'd have to be kneeling on the floor...I was too dominant for this. But then I had an ex that was so rough that I hated it. He wasn't making me submissive but he dominated the sex so much I could barely figure out what was going on & hurt instead of feeling good. Then I had an ex who wanted me to dominate him & I just found it akward because I didn't want to hurt him. Well anyho, my point is that I'm definitely a girl who is the middle. I'd like to find a guy who can switch off equally with me...I know that exists but it's a lil hard to find. So through my early 20's I discovered all of this. =)

    Thanks for stopping by my blog today! Come back anytime.

  27. SubGirl (kinda like SoGirl...but I digress) "Know-know?" Like VERY recently... but now looking back there were signs and I was SO clueless. For me it has been a recent awakening.

  28. I'm in my 30s and just realizing that I like to give the women the control. I like being told when, how, and if I get to have some kind of kinky sex.

  29. For me it was very early on.......a Catholic school education fanned my fantasies and I was tying myself to the stairway bannister by the time I was 7-8.


  30. ever since i was 16 i had a spanking fetish but that is it.. Everything else was pretty damn vanilla. Eventually around 19 i explored more into my sexuality and here i am a 21 year old living the lifestyle and still learning! i will say its easier for the younger generations to make sense of feelings and what not, all we have to do is look it up and figure it out :p

  31. Nancy: Yes, I can imagine you spending a lot of time with the Story of O. They did a documentary on the real writer who did it as a tribute to her Master. And I'm glad you now finally fully understand your submissive self.

    butterfly: Glad you were introduced to the lifestyle and you are now very happy.

    PV: Sounds like you are very happy with your sexuality.

    daisy: Good to see you're finally exploring what it all meant.

    turlya: glad to see you've recognized your submissive nature.

    PK: Amazing that you knew at 4 or 5.

    Anon: I guess the wait was worth it.

    DavetheRave: Good to see you realize you love being under that control.

    janeway: glad the Internet helped you to find your true self.

    Meagan: I'll go back and read your post.

    True Blue: Good to hear you never struggled with your submissive side.

    Alujna: Most subs to love to give up that control.

    BG: Too bad you kept it to yourself until your 20s, but you're making up for lost time.

    Doll: That's a positive that you never let yourself be a doormat for the wrong person.

    Rhialla: Hope you enjoy the journey of discovering your sub side

    Obsidiancub: Good luck on figuring it out and experiencing it.

    Lilli: Yes, nothing like depravity and you must have been embarrassed that the teadher called your mother.

    kk: Good to hear you found your Master.

    Anon: No problem with the length. You should start your own blog because you're so articulate. And I think many women share your story of having trouble finding a man to meet their needs. Sorry to hear, though, that you're still torn about your wiring. As you said, you can't change it. It's the way you were born so it's best to accept it and enjoy it, which you seem to be doing.

    David: Not surprising it influenced the choices you made.

    Muse: I'm glad you found what was missing.

    Neo Dom Tom: Glad to see you've finally exploring your dominant side.

    marianne: Try not to be uncertain. This is probably who you are.

    Beastmaster: Good to see you unleashed the beast. Vie must be happy about that.

    Melanie: Hope you find the right guy.

    southerngirl: Good to see you're finally awakened.

    Pet: yes, it's easier for the younger generation to find things out because of the Internet. Us older folks had no place to look for info.

    Jon: Obviously, you now realize you want to give women that control.

    Anon: obviously you started at a young age.
    And thank you all for writing. This post got more hits than any other one I've done so it seemed to strike a chord. And you lurkers out there, don't be shy about saying hello.


  32. FD, I used to blog about being sub, and I really enjoyed it, but the internet has become too interconnected and I feared that my anonymity would be compromised. I don't even use my old blog name anymore, even though it was a pseudonym.

    And you're right, it's not easy finding a man who wants a submissive woman. Which still boggles my mind, actually, because wouldn't you think it would be the opposite? I always did. I mean...blow jobs whenever you want, access to her body whenever you want, service whenever you want! So many men bitch about women not giving them what they want, they complain about their wives, etc. You'd think they'd be fighting amongst themselves to get at women like me, you'd think my ex's would have jumped at what I was begging for.

    But they didn't. They were put off by it. *shrugs*

    My husbands says it's the feminization (sp?) of society and how boys are brought up today. Most boys have fantasies about women doing sexually whatever they want but just like I was taught it was wrong to feel what I felt, boys are taught it's very wrong to want a woman that way. I completely believe in teaching boys to respect and protect women but I don't think it's wrong for boys to fantasize about having women sexually they way they'd like to when the woman is willing.

    Anyway. Yes, you're right, I wish I accepted my submissiveness more. My husband says to me, "You are always happiest when you submit to me" and he's right. He wants me to be proud of it, he thinks I'm very brave (his words). But I usually feel ashamed about it when I'm not actually in the middle of it. *shrugs* Oh well. Can't have it all! ;) ~~A

  33. Hi FD... :)
    I think I've always knew it... it just took me too long to accept how much it was important for me to make my submissiveness the basis of my life... but I have to tell you, I've never been happier :)

  34. My earliest sexual fantasy, before I was even old enough to know it was a sexual fantasy, was being tied up naked by the older (12) man next door. I was around seven or eight. Being under some one else's control, both physical and mental, has always been part of my fantasy life. And physical punishment...

  35. Anon: I was sorry to read your last sentence that you're still ashamed of it when you're not actually in it. Isn't it a shame of how we're programmed as youngsters not to embrace our feelings. But glad you found a husband who wants you to submit to him. Btw, I'm not sure the lack of men who want women to submit to them has anything to do with the feminization of America. My take take is that there's not a lot of people who are wired the way we are.

    amasterandhissub: Sorry it took you so long to accept the fact that that it was important to you to make submission the basis of your life. But glad to hear you finally got there. There's nothing like the happiness of a contented sub submitting to her Master and accepting his control, which makes her feel very protected and loved.

    KellyRed: I also had these fantasies at at a young age, which makes me believe this is the way we were wired

  36. Hello FD.
    I am not submissive, not by along shot. As I child I was, but only as self preservation. It was just after I turned 14 that I received my first two spanking from someone other than my parents. It was given by my beloved cousin who was 12 yrs older than me. He most definitely took me in hand, and forcefully bent me over the back of the couch and laid into my butt. As if that were not bad enough, I had to get mouthy with him and I very quickly found my skirt up, pants down and receiving a much more severe spanking that seemed to go on for ever until I learned to shut my mouth. LOL, Even then I was a very slow learner. Upon reflection later, I realized just how much I enjoyed it. Years pass, and I find this wonderful community of people, who have helped me understand me.
    I am one who does need to be taken in hand often.And my husband is more than up to the challenge of the likes of me. lol

    Hugs to all
    Lil Sam

  37. Hi FD! I knew I was facinated with spanking even as a really young kid, but I didn't understand why until I was older. As far as the power play aspect of it, I think I started toying with that notion as a young teen, but I was less receptive to some of the harsher stuff than I am now. :) The evolution of my kink, I guess ;) Celine

  38. Cekube: Good to see your kink is evolving.