Friday, September 11, 2009


There was a front page story today in the NY Times on David Vitter, the Republican Louisiana Senator. For those of you who don't follow politics or even live in the U.S., his name showed up in the client list of a Washington prostitution ring. He has refused to address the issue except to admitting to a "very serious sin'' at a brief news conference.

The point of the story is that Vitter may win re-election in 2010 despite all that because Louisiana is a GOP stronghold.

But what caught my eye was a quote at the end of the story from a Morgan Goudeau, described as a Democrat who was a D.A. in St. Landry Parish for 24 years.

He is quoted as saying, "The Cajun mentality has never admired someone who is untrue to their spouse. But if it's going to be done, it would be better done with a prostitute than with a neighbor's wife.''

I'm curious to what your thoughts are about that quote. To me, cheating is cheating regardless of whether you do it with a prostitute or as Gov. Sanford did, with the South American woman he called the love of his life.

I can't imagine too many spouses buying the argument that it was only with a prostitute.

Your thoughts?


  1. yes cheating is cheating when there is understanding of a relationship that is based on the conception on being and remaining monogamous. i am glad i finally found your blog Sir and have enjoyed your insight to mine and others blogs.


  2. Cheating is cheating in my book. A neighbor may have fewer diseases for him to bring home, but a prostitute is less likely to be his next wife! I might be more broadminded about a husband fulfilling kinky desires his wife doesn't like, if the wife is informed and agrees. That's more of an open marriage than cheating. Meow

  3. Cheating isn't cool in any situation - unless it's me and I'm sleeping with Johnny Depp or George Clooney. I think that should be excusable. ;)

  4. Cheating is cheating no matter if you are paying for it from a professional or chasing the neighbors....


  5. I echo all the previous comments. What really gets me is when the wife is standing next to the politician during the press conference.

  6. All I know is that Nick and I married and promised to be faithful to one another. Period. It wasn't just something we said - we made a promise to our best friend. I wouldn't expect either of us to break our promise with a neighbor or a professional.

    Then again if Harrison Ford or Mark Harmon did move in next door...


  7. FD, it doesn't matter with whom, cheating is cheating.

  8. Sleeping with someone else isn't the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. Is perfect fidelity really the most important foundation of the relationship?

    People's interests change. Partners want variety. People have different levels of sex drive. Sometimes one partner develops a kink the other has no interest in.

    I think there are lots of reasons for sleeping around, and some are designed not to hurt the other partner. And yes I agree that you could just sublimate the desire with chocolate cupcakes.

    But assuming you aren't sublimating and you are fucking around, yes I do think there are better and worse situations. Better is where you won't be faced with the humiliation of discovering that a friend or acquaintance or an enemy was sleeping with your spouse. Worse is when you find out that everyone knew but you.

    I'm not sure a prostitute is better. Though it probably would make it clear that it was about sex and not about a relationship.


  9. just my opinion: sex with prostitutes is about nameless, faceless sex, a control of sorts because you pay for it, and get it without strings attached. there is a risk of getting caught, but from a legal & criminal perspective.

    sex with a neighbor, a friend's spouse, or a business associate, or business associate's spouse isn't nameless. there comes with it an risk of getting caught that is tied in with one's emotions, and reputation. When you're sleeping with a known individual, you're risking your connection with a community, whether social or business. imnsho, when you're sleeping with a neighbor, or associate, it's not just business, it's personal.

    is one worse than the other? well, if you're in a monogamous relationship, cheating is cheating. While sleeping with a prostitute is embarassing if caught, sleeping with your neighbor can bring disgrace on a number of family and friends.

    for me, if my partner was caught with a prostitute, I would be mortified. Who knows the money he spent, who witnessed or knows about this, and the diseases to which he, and now I would be exposed?! If my partner were sleeping with a neighbor or a friend, while I would be crushed emotionally, I would certainly understand the attraction because my partner is very sexy.

    but, let's put one more spin on it: if my Dominant cheated on me, I would be devastated. his inability to be faithful would signal to me that our D/s relationship was a sham, and I put my trust in a man who truly was not the dominant he claimed to be.

    again, just my .02. YMMV

  10. Same as everyone else FD, cheating is cheating whatever way you look at it.
    I think it would hit me harder if I found out my husband was cheating on me with a prostitute than my best friend.


  11. I have a feeling this dates back to the Old Testament, which was not just a collection of religious writings but also rules for how to live as a society.

    I should note here that I'm Jewish (not at all orthodox), so my focus is going to be different, but especially in the case of Louisiana I suspect this is at least part of what the issue is.

    The second half of the Ten Commandments is about relating to other people and maintaining a functioning society. That's where the prohibition against adultery comes in. What you need to understand is that adultery meant a man having sex with someone else's wife. Part of that has to do with not knowing who was the father of her child if she becomes pregnant. Plus it creates strife in the community, messes with someone else's property, etc.

    If you go to a prostitute, all that doesn't come into play.

    I'm sure there are other things that contributed to the attitude in Louisiana, but - whether or not they are conscious of it - I'm pretty sure this biblical aspect was part of what lies underneath.

    (Sorry for the lecture. I'm not all that religious, but I find this stuff fascinating,a nd it sparks a lot of thought.)

  12. I disagree with most, I don't think cheating with a prostitute is so bad. It depends entirely on the situation. I agree with cutesypah that it is "meaningless" sex as opposed to an affair. It may be due to a problem at home sexually or a sexual mismatch. For me, having sex with a prostitute is WAY better than my partner having an affair. It would suggest that we have sexual issues that we could work towards resolving. I would certainly forgive them in most circumstances. After all, that is one of the functions of the sex industry, to provide individuals with sex, no? Having said that, I'd like this guy to go down. Boo to the Republicans. Having said THAT I'm also not American, so not qualified to comment on that aspect of it.

    xx milla

  13. I too appreciate the black and white thinking of cheating is cheating. It is. However I'm more on the intellectualization sides of cutesypah and milla. There are people who have health issues and or are mismatched. People stay married for lots of different reasons: monetary, status, security, and age for example. There's a profound difference between peeing upstream and downstream to recap Goudreau's point. I do remember visiting NOLA this year and seeing a button on the window sill that said Vitter: Supporting Working Women since 19??" I can't remember the exact years. But I loved it! I won't even look at this from the viewpoint of being married to him. I would find it too painful if I said, 'I'd never tolerate this or that.' Because quite honestly, we never know what we will do when we are actually faced with an event. I'll not have two things to regret down the road - my lowering of my theoretical standards AND with the event itself. Thanks for the topic FD. Sorry I'm so late to respond.

  14. I appreciate all your comments and opinions and sorry I was slow in responding to them. As I said in my next blog, it's a very complex subject.

    Bree: You were the first to say cheating is cheating. And thanks for your comments about my insights.

    Meow: I agree that cheating and open marriage are two different things but I often wonder if open marriage really works.

    Kitten, Red and Paul: You were all in the cheating is cheating camp so I combined your comments. And I certainly agree with Red that I can't believe the wives who stand by their man at a press conference the way Spitzer's wife did. If she wants to support him privately fine, but why humiliate yourself? She and spouses like her are the victims.

    True Blue and PK: You both ended your comment with the line about Harrison Ford, Clooney etc. I think Clooney has remained single all of these years. I wonder if it's because he knew he had so many opportunities and didn't want to commit to one woman.

    Sin: I think abuse is worse in a marriage than cheating. And I never criticize the spouse for leaving or staying. Only they can know what goes on in their marriage.

    cutesypah: I thought your comment that cheating in a D/s relaationship would be devastating was very perceptive. For a sub to put her trust in a
    dom and then have him cheat would seem to mean their relationship was a sham.

    Ronnie: It's interesting that you're in the camp that feels cheating with a prostitute would be worse than doing it with a best friend. Some women saw it the opposite way. I guess it depends on your perspective.

    oatmeal girl: I thought your insights of how cheating can affect society were quite interesting.

    Milla: You have the opposite view that Ronnie has. As I said to her, I guess it depends on your perspective.

    Fun: I thnk you're right that you never know what you'd do until you're confronted with the situation. And you're never too late to respond.

    Again, thanks to everybody for contributing. I like to find topics that bloggers find interesting and I always enjoy all the comments.


  15. I know very few people will agree with this, but I almost equate lying with cheating with a prostitute. It is still a betrayal to our relationship, but I wouldn't feel entirely insulted. There is clearly a problem to acknowledge and there are desires that I am not fulfilling, so we could work through that. To cheat with my best friend? He clearly does not respect me at all, so buh-bye. That to me, is a coward that clearly doesn't have the balls to end our relationship.

    Gosh. Intense subjects lately, hey? :)

  16. Thanks for commenting. I can understand your feelings about cheating with your best friend. Also, what would that say about your best friend?

    I hope you find the intense subjects interesting.


  17. Nice can of worms FD!

    What to say when so much has been said?

    Yes cheating is cheating. I also agree that one partner going elsewhere with the other's permission and blessing is a different story.

    I agree with those that said that it's circumstancial. It's very hard to judge from the outside.

    I don't think it's 'better' for it to be a pro, but I do think it clarifies the need for basic sexual drives as opposed to issues with your partner's personality or your relationship as a whole.

    At the same time if there is something lacking or out of sync in your sex life, and you need to hide it, something is wrong. I understand the need for sexual compatibility and I think if our society was more open about sex we wouldn't have such a problem with cheating. So many people marry without 'road-testing' their partner. People are afraid to share their true desires or fetishes and they remain hidden from shame, causing the need to seek them out elsewhere. Women aren't encouraged to embrace their desires and ask for what they want. All these taboos cause cheating. And don't even get me started on monogamy. lol

    Lastly I want to raise something different that did upset me amongst the comments. I'm a sex worker and I know sex workers and I'd like to de-bunk the myth that we are disease ridden. Yes we are at higher risk, but we are also the most vigilantly safe people you can find. You think we want to catch something? Clients are the ones who bring in disease. Your man is more likely to get something from the girl next door who doesn't use protection cause she thinks you are the only one he's been with. Get it? Whores are not dirty. /rant

    Oops, sorry FD if that got a bit out of hand.

    Teehee... back to subbie land for me. :D