Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Vanilla Men

I want to thank all of you who leave comments because I enjoy your insight. And sometimes the comments lead to other posts.

This is one of those times. In a comment on my last post, Cultivated Discipline wrote, "A lot of men within TTWD seem to like to be serviced. Vanilla men seem more involved in the process and are more participatory.''

I thought that would be a great point for a discussion. What do you think? Agree or disagree?

She also wrote, "At my age, most men I date have long track records with one woman. Many of their ideas aare tied to what she did or did not like with their own experimental fantasies sprinkled in if they're brave.''

Your thoughts? I can understand this comment. I don't know if I'd know where to start with another woman after being married for decades.



  1. My Dom enjoys being serviced, but also enjoys giving back...and he's good at it too, despite the fact that he was in a longish-term vanilla relationship before me and I imagine it'd be fairly easy to get into a sexual rut in a situation like that.

    I can't say much about vanilla men since I've been involved with a surprisingly small number of them. The ones that I was involved with, though, didn't seem any more participatory than my Dom is now, and they definitely left me a lot less satisfied. I get more pleasure servicing my Dom than I would with a vanilla guy being all "involved" in trying to get me off...so even if vanilla guys were more participatory, I wouldn't be interested. :)

  2. True Blue: Thanks for your insight. You're fortunate to be in a relationship with a Dom who enjoys giving back.


  3. I've only been with one woman, my wife, all my adult life. Speaking only for myself, when we started spanking, I started thinking more about her needs, not less.

  4. I think it's an unanswerable comparison. If part of what you want is to provide service, then the person who asks that of you is being pretty participatory. If part of what you want is to have certain things done to you, then the person who does them is meeting that want. I think that the process is different somewhat, sot he participation is different. I have wondered, however, if vanilla men care more or less than non vanilla men about how much they have met their partners wants. Or maybe this quality varies among all men and all relationships.

  5. I believe it. Sometimes you need to step back and listen. To her words, and her body. New lovers mean new rules. Half the fun is finding out what they enjoy or not.

  6. Well, from the perspective a woman who has been with the same man for 30 yrs...and maybe that disqualifies me to compare? I think there are not vanilla men and kinky men, but self oriented men and caring men...takers and givers. The Dominance is a character trait that is on the side of that, from what I can see. Now my husband considers himself "normal", whatever that means. He does not think of himself as "a dominant" or a "kinky guy" He IS dominant in personality though, enjoys what he enjoys with his wife, and the truth is we are BOTH much more giving than we ever were before venturing into TTWD.

  7. As a single woman, with shall we say 'experience' I will agree that ttwd can make both partners more open to trying new things. The improvement in communication, the frequently bare bottom and other things can help maintain a heightened sense of eroticism and desire between partners for sure.

    However, I have experienced many men who simply care about their own needs and in a dynamic with a built in power-differential that provides opportunists with the opening they need to meet their own needs. Just check out a couple of my recent posts, those gentlemen will be poor lovers. They have predetermined fantasies they are attempting to accomplish. The needs or desires of the woman could and in all likelyhood will be completely disregarded.

    As gg says, if you want to serve, someone laying there letting you serve is a good thing. However, I think there is a point where a person can tell they are the breathing version of a blow-up doll and a tool as compared to a partner.

    As for vanilla men, in my experience, more likely than not, they are interested in proving their prowess, thus their desire to be more pro-active.

    As for men coming from long-term relationships, they will be used to certain behaviors by their wives. If their wife has never assumed the top position or would not participate in rear-entry, that is going to be new and exciting for them. Often these are long held fantasies finally being fulfilled. And outside of ttwd, a large number of women are still unwilling to perform oral sex and if they do perform the act it is frequently rationed.

    What I have found is that these men are most likely to have certain acts and behaviors are requirements for them in new relationships because they were denied the pleasure in former partnerships.

  8. Mick: It's interesting that when you started spanking her, you started thinking more about her needs. The spanking is probably creating more of a connection.

    Greengirl: I think you said it all in your last sentence that it probably varies for all men and all relationships. There's no one box fits all.

    Red: Good point that half the fun is finding out what they enjoy and I think making it good for them makes it better for both partners.

    Sara: I think your point about self oriented men and caring men was right on the money. I find that many women want their men to do things as basic as talking to them and some men just don't get that unless they're trying to get them in bed.

    CD: Your 'experience' certainly provides some valuable insights. I enjoy your site and am just amazed at how clueless some of these men who write you are. Do they think that's going to appeal to a woman?

    And that was a good point about serving not meaning you're a blowup doll. i think doms must walk a fine line in dealing with a sub and wants to submit because you want it to be a good experience for her and not try to get her to submit to things that are a turnoff for her.

    Your insights on dealing with men coming off long term relationships is right on.

    BTW, taking a page from the old line that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, your posts show a lot of frogs are showing up in your inbox. I hope you open it one day and find your prince. Good luck.

    And thanks to all of you for all the comments. I enjoy your feedback. I always hope you find my topics interesting.