I think we're all aware of maintenance spankings but was interested in finding a reference to maintenance sex by a sex therapist named Tammy Nelson on the Huffington Post.
She described that maintenance sex is sex is sex on the same night, in the same place, in the same way with little variation. She said couples in this phase need to work to make sex more exciting. She said couples should talk and not assume their partner knows what they want and need. She said teaching each other can create a lifetime of exotic connection. And have your partner repeat back what you said to make sure your partner understands what you mean.
This sounds like good advice and I feel that couples in D/s relationships tend not to get in a rut because they are involved in scenes.
Let me know what you think. Is D/s sex better? Do you try to avoid maintenance sex?
FD
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People who have D/s sex -- are all about listening to each other -- mixing it up -- keeping it fresh.
ReplyDeleteWe're the extreme side of what that study recommends --
are we too extreme?
lol -- extreme is in the eye of the beholder.
I would say that there are few of us that are in a rut sexually.
every once and awhile? I want to have some plain-ole-vanilla sex.
that's how M and I keep it fresh -- sometimes we throw in some missionary for spice
sfp
Saturday night, lights out, missionary position. NO thank you!
ReplyDelete(not with my Master - with previous men in my life!)
Sky
sfp: I don't think having fun is extreme. And even vanilla can be good once in a while.
ReplyDeleteSky: How nice you found a Master who doesn't want Saturday night, lights out in the missionary position. Shame the previous men in your life did. You must like it so much better now. Might make a good post to ask women if they've gone from Saturday nights lights out sex to hot sex.
FD
Funny enough, I think it's possible to get into a sexual rut even within D/s. Although the sex is infinitely better than my old "vanilla" ways, without communication or those "teaching" moments, we can become complacent with our routines.
ReplyDeleteAt one point Daddy and I were stuck in a sexual cycle that, while fulfilling and D/s-oriented, was becoming somewhat humdrum. Once we talked it out, we decided that we needed more than our routine and realized how important is was for both of us to push our boundaries and to not succumb to the routine.
I will say that breaking the cycle of maintenance sex is easier to do within D/s because communication is an omnipresent factor in how our relationship works and we're not intimidated by starting conversations about sex. Many vanilla couples I know avoid discussing sex because they feel that their partner will view any conversation as criticism.
Baby Girl: It's great you aren't intimidated by starting conversations about sex. Also good you both continue to push your boundaries. Sounds like you have a fulfilling sex life. And I agree breaking the cycle of maintenance is easier in a D/s relationship.
ReplyDeleteFD
vanilla is boring. Give me D/s
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you have D/s in your life.
ReplyDeleteFD
I'm actually a big believer in "maintenance sex", and have recommended it to various friends many times in the past. However, I'm not sure I mean the same thing as Tammy Nelson did. For me, maintenance sex simply means that you "do it" regularly and relatively frequently. There is no question that my relationship with my wife, Joy, goes much more smoothly and that we both cut each other more slack and forgive each other more transgressions, if we have sex at least once every 3-4 days (and more often is generally better).
ReplyDeleteHowever, this doesn't imply missionary position with the lights out! I'm a huge fan of variety, and I agree that BDSM scenes add much spice to one's love life--they can keep you from getting bored and falling into that rut discussed above. In fact, I'd say that the reason many vanilla couples don't have sex on a regular basis is because they've been in a sex rut and one or both of them have gotten bored and lost their enthusiasm for participation.
Unfortunately, even when I've mentioned maintenance sex to friends who've wanted to talk about rough times in their relationships, I've been hesitant to bring up the BDSM recommendation. That conversation can be delicate, and is appropriate only with friends of the right mindset.
Maintenance sex? I think I'm all for it - although I never quite call it that. It happens in the morning, acts as an "adhesive" to encourage, and gives us a excellent frame of mind to face the challenges of the day.
ReplyDeleteNope not for me, give me D/s all the time.
ReplyDeleteblossom x
FD,
ReplyDeleteI think most couples don't have enough sex, period! I am a big fan of variety, but I'm never going to turn down any kind of sex...I love it all!!! I like to have sex at least once a day and I'm happiest when it's twice a day:)! Yeah, sometimes it's quick, but it's always intense with at least a couple of orgasms thrown into the mix, lol!
Love and hugs,
Kitty
Maintenance sex was one of the signs that my marriage was in jeopardy. He called it a quickie, I called it monotonous and mechanical. Obviously, we don't have awesome crazy sex now because he isn't here, but when he mentions restraining me, spanking me, pulling my hair, taking me any different number of ways, I get very hot very quickly and wanting him. Our connection seems very secure (most of the time) now that we are open and honest about what we want, and thoughts of banal sex are done and over with. I totally agree with What you read. Keeping it exciting in bed works for us.
ReplyDeleteWe are blessed to have a passionate relationship no matter what. We fight hot, we love hot..lol. We definitely don't really do maintenance sex, but it's not D/s always either. I think variety is great but sex is the icing..it can't substitute for great connection in every other part of our life.
ReplyDeleteJake: Yes, it can be difficult to bring up BDSM. And, yes, your maintenance sex is different than what the therapist was talking about.
ReplyDeleteB Man: Sounds like a nice way to begin the day.
Blossom: I can understand you wanting D/s all the time.
Kitty: Yes, all sex is good and I'm sure many bloggers envy you that you sometimes have it twice day.
Emily: Good to hear that keeping it exciting in bed is working for you.
Stormy: How nice that you have a passionate relationship.
FD
I find that I stop wanting sex, vanilla or otherwise, when I am having trouble with submission. The more submissive to my hubby I am, the more often I want sex. The more dominating he is, the more I want it. When we sort of fall out of those roles, my desire for sex falls right along with it.
ReplyDelete"Lie back and think of England" once a week, no thanks.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Ronnie
xx
tkc: Thanks for posting and becoming a follower. I checked out your blog and enjoyed your story of you became a submissive in your marriage. And interesting that your desire for sex is tied to your feelings of submission.
ReplyDeleteRonnie: I've heard that old line about lying back and think of England. I hope there aren't many English women who do that. LOL.
FD