Sunday, March 27, 2011

How Important Is Sex in Marriage

Can you have a great marriage without having great sex or even very good sex?

I pose this question because of a blog post a couple of months ago (sometimes I put things on the back burner) by Cliveskink on

He was responding to a post on about a radio pesonality who always talks about how he very rarely has sex with his wife. (Can't imagine a guy saying that on the radio). She posted, "What kind of marriage is it if you are afraid of upsetting your wife if you ask for sex, why would you stay together?''

Cliveskink said his wife is devoutly religious, was a virgin when they met over 30 years ago and they did not have intercourse until they got married. Their sex is very vanilla most of the time although he said they have had moments of hot sex that are few and far between. He said she has a low libido and added, "I am not sure how her low libido derives from her conservative upbringing or her hormonal imbalance or my ineptitude. I suspect a little of each.''

But he writes, "A wonderful marriage doesn't necessarily need common views on sex and we are living proof! Yes, I find it very frustrating sometimes but, I will always be hers and she mine. We love each other as much, in fact more than we did 30 years ago. We are soul mates, best buddies, partners in everything. We hug, we snuggle, we kiss and we adore each other. And I find Mrs. Clive incredibly sexy and hot -- indeed I still believe she is the sexiest and hottest lady in the world!''

He added, "The only area where we differ is our sexuality or 'kinkiness.' And it is something that I find very difficult to talk to Mrs. Clive about! -- As it always ends upsetting her. She feels guilty that she is not able to give me kinky sex, she feels inadequate, and she becomes tearful. The last thing I want is to cause her sadness, to upset her. So I kiss her tears away and keep silent. She would be devastated if she knew about this blog.''

Well, she seems to show a great marriage doesn't have to include great sex. I am curious what you thoughts are on the subject. Please share them.



  1. I guess it would depend on the people, their values, and how they define "great". Every marriage I know of is a little bit different and every marriage I know, even the "great" ones, have some areas of discord, or even unmet wants, if mostly unspoken. Marriage always takes compromise, and this man sounds like HE feels he has a great marriage. I'd not argue with that!

  2. For me, marriage with very little sex would be intolerable. If he likes his marriage, that's ok for him. I don't know how he can see his wife as the sexiest and hottest lady in the world if she is not more than ready and eager to have sex whenever he feels like it, though. He finds it very frustrating, and so would I. I can say, however, that my own wife hasn't a strong libido, but she is always willing, usually comes to the boil and has never said No in the 20 years we have been married. She wants to please me, she enjoys sex, never messes with other men, she feels her heart belongs to me and that all adds up. I certainly don't see my wife as the sexiest and hottest lady in the world, and there have been women for me with whom the sex has been much more intense, varied and interesting, but those women would not have made such good wives, probably.

  3. I must admit, I think this Clive bloke is absolutely right - couldn't agree with him more. :)

  4. It wouldn't be a good choice for me .. but then every marriage and every person is different.

    Some people can live with things and situations that other people would find totally unacceptable.

  5. I honestly believe it really depends on the people. Asha and I went without sex for a really long time because of my thyroid problem and the fact that it was very painful. But it was difficult for both of us. I knew he was frustrated and it just made me feel really guilty. I think because a good active and healthy sex life is something we both want, it's not something we could easily do without. But others might not find it as important as we do.

  6. I have to say I read this and had to think about it for a while. While I understand why Clive loves his wife and enjoys what they have, you can't help wondering how happy he really is (and I say this with love Clive). I ask how happy is he because he's on the internet looking for more and not sharing it with her. I have come across plenty of men who have what seem to be good relationships but are looking for more than their significant other can give them. How happy would their partner be to find out they were looking for something else? How would they feel if she went looking for something else?
    I myself have been questioning whether I would be able to find 1 person to satisfy what I need.
    I used to think it was wrong to step outside a relationship but since I started this journey I have to say I have definately questioned this belief of being satisfied with one person.
    This is just my humble opinion out here in cyber space.

  7. No worries BF - I am a very lucky lad. I truly am happy, really. And what I said in the blog post is completely honest (after all, what is the point in blogging otherwise!). OK - so my marriage doesn't tick all the boxes (I bet none do if your absolutely honest), it does tick 99% and the 'unsatisfied' bit just pales into insignificance.

    Yep, I'm on the internet 'looking for more' but not out of any needy desperation but for the fun and adventure of it. And I'm not sure what 'more' I am looking for!

    But internet, blogging, interacting etc just keeps me smiling more :)
    And, the more you smile, the more the world smiles right back at you

    Happy days :)

  8. FD,

    I've been sort of mulling over this question since you posted it. I think in any long term relationship there will be periods where sex doesn't happen. (Like pregnancy complications, sickness, extreme stress, and when your kids have a school that gives insane amounts of homework.) I do think people can be happy and look for the best in their relationship and be grateful for what they do have. Friendship and companionship are very important.

    But I do think if the core of marriage, not specific time periods, that doesn't include sex it would be sad. Such a shame really to waste a beautiful part of life.


  9. I think sex is pretty important in a marriage. Sure you can have tolerable, loving marriage without sex, but it sure is unsatisfying. If both parties are not on the same plane sexually, there is going to be some resentment, cheating, or problems.

  10. I think there is a misconception that my marriage is completely void of sex - it isn't, but our libidos are on different planets. Once a month v twice a day :). I think a marriage where sex is completely absent would be much more difficult to cope with

    However, I am going to throw into the mix here another snippit of fuel. Why is it that so many men in 'Wife Led Marriages' or 'Female Led Relationships' crave chastity?! eg SH here

    These guys actively seek abstinance and chastity in their marriage
    (I am the opposite :)

  11. In my marriage, sex is a necessity. I can't imagine living without it. Life would be incredibly frustrating, unfulfilling and just plain sad. Everyone's different, though.

    I was also a virgin on our wedding night and over 22 years later, we're kinkier than ever. I often tell my husband that he has corrupted me!

  12. Thanks for sharing the link..I'm going to have to check this out.

  13. i have been with my partner over 30 years. there has been no sex for the last 7.5 years...and it made me very ...i feel disconnected.

    and irt made me examine what i want and need.

    im not gettin any younger here! it led me to kink, and ultimately, to my Master.


    am i happily married? no. tolerably--yes.

  14. I was in what would've been considered a sexless marriage for a number of years, and I missed it. I felt frustrated, put-off, unattractive, and it reached the point of me considering bringing up the topic of an open marriage. Thankfully things have changed since then... and I guess, if it's ok with both people in the relationship than maybe it can work.

    But my experience is that sex brings in a different emotional intimacy to a relationship. Even vanilla sex involves exposing yourself and giving your body to another person - it involves working together for each other's mutual pleasure even if there's no kink involved.

    I think that in the absence of regular sex the fire of passion goes out in a marriage, and without that flame, and with the passing of time, marriage turns in to friendship and love is lost. That doesn't mean it's gone forever - but there is a difference in a relationship when sex isn't present even if there's no outright conflict or complaints about it.

    So yeah, that's my opinion. Sex is an intimate act that is necessary in at least some aspects to sustain the intimacy and love of a marriage over the course of decades. Maybe 6 months, or a year, or even 2 might be manageable. But the longer you go without the greater the effect it has...

  15. Interesting conversation. No, great sex is not necessary to a good marriage.

  16. This is a topic kind of close to my heart. My previous marriage had the issue of no sex...well maybe once every 6 months to a year. It took a huge toll on me, both physically and emotionally. It wasn't for lack of trying on my part...I have more costumes, toys, games, etc in my arsonel now than a sex shop lol but sadly nothing worked. Eventually, it led to the downfall and eventual divorce. While I won't say it's the most is the intimacy of it that seperates your marriage from just living with your best friend. For me...while I want my partner to be my best friend, he's gotta be willing to be my lover as well.

  17. no question. it isn't much of a marriage at all ...