Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sexless Marriage

While reading about the husband who had a sex change operation and was featured on Prime Time Family Secrets, they had a link to a Good Morning America segment last February on sexless marriages, which they describe as being sexually intimate 10 or fewer times a year.

They featured a couple who are having sex once every three or four months and are seeing a family therapist in an effort to solve the problem.

A Dr. Hilda Hutcherson is quoted as saying, "Sex is essential for a great marriage, and the reason is there are a number of chemicals and hormones that are released when you have sex with your parters that actually bonds couples.''

In the show on the husband who became a woman, she is still sleeping in the same bed with her wife but they now have a sexless marriage but so far the wife has decided to stay in the marriage. So, in effect, they're roommates raising two kids.

I just wonder if a sexless marriage can last long term. I can't imagine it, but am curious what your thoughts are.


  1. Using this definition of a sexless marriage ours practically was for the first 23 years. It was lasting and I have no doubt we would have stayed together but Dr. Hutcherson is right, sex is necessary for a GREAT marriage. Or maybe we should say intimacy. If physical sex is no longer possible there are many ways to be intimate.


  2. PK, Yes there are many ways to achieve intimacy without having physical sex. In fact, the last graf of the article I read said, "It doesn't always have to be sex, but it should be time to be intimate together. It can be just private, alone time together.'' I should have included that point.

  3. i also think intimacy is required to keep a marriage strong and happy. That quiet little connection that you share in a glance. There still has to be some kind of spark, not necessarily a fire just a sizzle that makes you anticipate or giggle. The moments can be few and far between at times but, the moments need to be there. People can stay in an unhappy or "adequate" marriage without it. But to be 'happy' in a marriage, at least for me, its required.

  4. If sex isn't happening in a marriage, it's more than likely speaking to a deeper problem. Either that or a physical disability. People don't want to have sex with someone they don't desire. To be desired, you must be healthy, mentally and physically. There has to be respect between both parties. The desire must be mutual. Sex should never be an obligation.

    I used to feel responsible for my husband's sexual needs. It nearly killed our sex life. I used to think I "owed" him sex. This is a sure-fire joy killer if I ever heard one. Now that I don't feel responsible for my husband's sexual needs and that I don't owe him sex, we have sex FAR MORE OFTEN. I need choice.

    There were also times when he was a total asshole (long time ago) and I didn't sleep with him for a couple months at a time. Why would I want to? He was treating me badly. Also, when he went through a depression and didn't like himself, he was not very attractive to me. Who wants to sleep with a whiny child? We both went through therapy, grew up and now our sex life is booming. But there have been times that we barely had it. Once when I had an operation on my female parts and for a few years when we weren't getting along. But now, after 22 years, he is soooo hot to me, I can't tell you. But he also likes himself now and treats me with amazing kindness, respect and love.

    It's never just about the sex. It's about the communication.

  5. Michelle: You made some very good points. Thanks for the insight. There's no doubt that communication is always important. And it's great that you and your husband got over the rough patch and worked things out. Great to hear your sex life is booming.

  6. I agree that intimacy is essential, whatever form it takes. Spanking has a lot of the same elements as sex - strong physical sensations, intimate physical contact, deep emotional intensity - not a bad enhancement or substitute (if necessary). Medical problems and age-related problems shouldn't have to decrease intimacy. Even a conversation while cuddling can be very intimate! Meow

  7. My wife and I have been together for 31 years. Since we adopted our last son 5 years ago, we've had NO sex. I haven't slept in the same room w/her for the last year and half. I have been masturbating (wow, who knew how fun that could be?!) since then, and have been pretty sexually happy (guess you can please yourself! lol) and we are still together. She doesn't know about my exploring BDSM online however....
    Vanilla mom

  8. I forgot to add that we are contented together, still love each other, and adore our 4 kids ... we've had a long time to invest in our relationship, and i'm sure that one day when our kids are grown we'll be back in the same bed, and having sex together once more.
    vanilla mom