How Important Is Sex in Marriage

Can you have a great marriage without having great sex or even very good sex?

I pose this question because of a blog post a couple of months ago (sometimes I put things on the back burner) by Cliveskink on cliveskink.blogspot.com.

He was responding to a post on thesubmissivebf.blogspot.com about a radio pesonality who always talks about how he very rarely has sex with his wife. (Can't imagine a guy saying that on the radio). She posted, "What kind of marriage is it if you are afraid of upsetting your wife if you ask for sex, why would you stay together?''

Cliveskink said his wife is devoutly religious, was a virgin when they met over 30 years ago and they did not have intercourse until they got married. Their sex is very vanilla most of the time although he said they have had moments of hot sex that are few and far between. He said she has a low libido and added, "I am not sure how her low libido derives from her conservative upbringing or her hormonal imbalance or my ineptitude. I suspect a little of each.''

But he writes, "A wonderful marriage doesn't necessarily need common views on sex and we are living proof! Yes, I find it very frustrating sometimes but, I will always be hers and she mine. We love each other as much, in fact more than we did 30 years ago. We are soul mates, best buddies, partners in everything. We hug, we snuggle, we kiss and we adore each other. And I find Mrs. Clive incredibly sexy and hot -- indeed I still believe she is the sexiest and hottest lady in the world!''

He added, "The only area where we differ is our sexuality or 'kinkiness.' And it is something that I find very difficult to talk to Mrs. Clive about! -- As it always ends upsetting her. She feels guilty that she is not able to give me kinky sex, she feels inadequate, and she becomes tearful. The last thing I want is to cause her sadness, to upset her. So I kiss her tears away and keep silent. She would be devastated if she knew about this blog.''

Well, she seems to show a great marriage doesn't have to include great sex. I am curious what you thoughts are on the subject. Please share them.

FD

Is Marriage Obsolete?

That was the lede of an AP story about the findings of the Pew Research Center. Of course, it is not really obsolete but not as prevalent as it used to be. Here are some of the findings:

--About 29 per cent of children under 18 now live with a parent or parents who are unwed or no longer married, a fivefold increase since 1960. Of those 29 per cent, 15 per cent have parents who are divorced or separated and 14 per cent were never married.

--About 39 per cent of Americans say marriage is obsolete. In 1978, the figure was 28 per cent.

--About 44 per cent say they have lived with a partner without being married. For 30 to 49 year olds, that figure rose to 57 per cent.

--About 62 per cent say the best marriage is where the husband and wife both work and both take care of the household and children. That is up from 48 per cent in 1977. (My view is that while it may be the ideal, the wife usually winds up doing more of taking care of the household and the children).

--About 67 per cent were upbeat about the future of marriage and the family.

--About 46 per cent of unmarried adults say they want to get married (I thought that figure would be higher).

So, I thought this would be an interesting topic to discuss. What are your views on marriage? My view is that the majority of people still want to get married. The trick is finding the right person and then hanging in there during the hard times. I also think that sometimes we have expectations that are realistic for marriage. I remember a classic line from the movie "Lovers and Other Strangers" where the son is telling the father he is getting divorced because they're no longer in love and the father said, "What's love got to do with it?''

So I hope you will share your thoughts.

FD

Love Stories

I don't know if any of the bloggers read the magazine Real Simple. Kind of a Chick Mag.

Anyway, I noticed it on the counter the other day and saw a headline on the cover, "What Makes A Marriage Last.''

Inside were six couples married at least 50 years. The most interesting one featured a U.S. Army staff sergeant, 19, seeing a Japanese girl, 17, visiting the mess hall. He said she was the "most beautiful creative I had ever seen.'' He approached her, she wasn't interested and he didn't speak Japanese and she didn't speak English. He pursued her, won her hand and they moved to his hometown and 53 years later, they're still married. She admits she cried a lot at first and his mother (now there's a good mother-in-law) kept her company in the afternoons. They had three kids and now have five grandchildren and she says she has no regrets. "If anything, the time went too fast,''' she said.

The wife of another couple had four months bed rest after tripping and crushing her heel and he went to her favorite restaurant every night and set out the china in their bedroom. "You've got to love someone who goes the whole nine yards,'' she said.

Another couple said they don't argue. "We don't sweat the small stuff,''' she said.

A husband said, "I've never understoood how people abandon each other for no reason other than they're tired of each other. She and I believe, Let's do what's right and good and do it together.''

Another husband said, "The sex part is the big thing when you first get married, but gee whiz! That fades in a hurry. But June and I always felt like partners and friends, and that's themost important thing in any marriage.''

I just thought you might find this interesting although I don't know if many couples would get over the sex part fading in a hurry but I always say it's about what works for any individual couple. Anyway, these six couples found what works for them.

No mention was made of spankings by any of these six couples but I wonder if we could find any spankos together for half a century.

Your thoughts

FD

More on Marriage

While playing doubles with three other guys this morning, we took a break at the same time four women playing on the adjacent court did and they started talking about Gov. Sanford. One of the women hadn't heard about it so the other three were filling her in and they were all bashing him.

Their reactions were typical. All the women I've talked to and who commented on my last post on this subject were ready to toss him out on his ear, if not another part of his anatomy. And yet one woman is willinng to forgive him -- his wife. That's why I decided to come back to this topic I did a post on earlier.

In case you missed it, she emailed a statement saying, "The real issue is one of forgiveness. I am willing to forgive Mark for his actions. My forgiveness is essential for us both to move on with our lives, with peace, in whatever direction that may take u.''

"Mark showed a lack of judgment in his recent actions as governor. However, his far more egregious offenses were committed against God, the institutions of marriage and family, our boys and me. Mark has stated that his intent and determination is to save our marriage, and to make amends to the people of South Carolina. I hope he can make good on those intentions, and for the sake of our boys, I leave the door open to it...''

Her comments show we can never know what is going on in another marriage. Half the time we have trouble figuring out what is going on in our own.

Her comments also remind me of an Ann Landers comment back in the day when a woman would bash her husband and she'd say, "Are you better off with him or without him?''

I figure most of us wonder how she forgive the public humiliation of his soul mate line and comment that he'd try to fall back in love with her. But she seems willing to give it a chance. I guess we'll never understand it, but I am curious to see long term if they can stay together. Your thoughts?

And just want to wish everybody a happy 4th holiday and pass along two good cartoons from the New Yorker this week.

One shows the founding fathers eating ribs and the caption is, "Anachronism or not, it just ain't the Fourth without the ribs and Willie Nelson.''

And the the other shows a woman talking to her shrink and saying, "Oh, my husband's fine in bed as long as he stays on his side.''

Hope you smiled at those and enjoy the holiday weekend.